the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
should my penis look like a turkey
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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