Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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