i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
