Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
