it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
