the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
