I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
