Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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