so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
