NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
