Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
