How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
