life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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