just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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