So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
