FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
