That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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