I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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