she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
