2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
