that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
