there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
whose parrot is this?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
