A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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