I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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