I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
