Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
