dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I need to sanitize my soul.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
