Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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