Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
