the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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