my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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