In the future we'll all be gay
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
