Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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