you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
