Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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