He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
