i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
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I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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