I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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