just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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