Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
