i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
