Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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