I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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