Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
