White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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