Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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