the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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