My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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