I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
