You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
