I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
