if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
