god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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