Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Randomize
