I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
