your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
