I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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