Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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