fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YAS. BRING CRAB.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
