god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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