good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
